The Un-Perfect Family Council: Finding Unity in the Chaos

The sticky ring from a juice box was still wet on the kitchen table when I sat down to plan our family council. I had been reading the Church handbook and several talks about how family councils were supposed to work, a regular gathering where we counsel together, set goals, and invite the Lord into our decision-making, but the version I kept reading about did not look anything like the family I actually have. Looking at the juice ring and at the toddler who had abandoned her juice box on the table to use a crayon on the linoleum, I checked the clock and realized we had about twenty minutes before the teenager needed a ride and the second-grader needed help with a horse book report and the dishwasher needed to be emptied.

I sat there long enough for the juice ring to dry.

When I stopped trying to organize a proper meeting and just called a family council instead, it lasted maybe four minutes with the toddler drawing on the floor and the teenager keeping one earbud in, and we talked about what we wanted to do on Saturday and agreed on something. That council was not the kind I had read about in the handbook but it was a council and it was ours.

How to Do Family Councils with Young Children

A family council once seemed like something that required a certain amount of attention span before it counted. I thought everyone needed to be sitting still and looking at me and ready to contribute thoughtful ideas and that works great in a classroom of third graders who are being graded on participation. It does not work great with a toddler who has just discovered that a crayon tastes different from a marker.

Here is what I have learned through years of trial and error. You do not need to wait until your children are old enough to sit through a formal meeting because you need to start now with what you have. A family council can be a conversation you have while you are folding laundry or driving to practice or standing in the kitchen while someone draws on the floor. The structure is not the point and the agenda is not the point. The unity is the point.

Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word; that they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me. - John 17:20-21

The Savior prayed for unity and he did not attach any conditions to it. He did not say they all may be one as long as they are sitting still in a circle with their arms folded. The unity is what matters and unity can happen in four-minute increments on a sticky kitchen floor.

LDS Family Council Ideas for Toddlers

I have a toddler who cannot sit still for thirty seconds and I used to let that stop me from trying. Then I started adjusting the format to fit her instead of trying to fit her into the format. We do walking councils now. I carry her on my hip and walk through the house pointing at things and asking questions. "Should we have pancakes or eggs on Saturday morning?" She points at the fridge and that counts as a vote because she participated and the council included her.

I also started using simple questions that a toddler can actually answer. Instead of "what are our family goals for this month" I ask "should we read a book or sing a song before bed tonight?" Low stakes and immediate and easy to answer. When she gets to participate in decisions that affect her day, she learns that her voice matters in this family and that is the foundation of everything else.

Struggling with Family Councils LDS

I want to be honest about the first several times I tried to do a proper family council. I ended up frustrated and the children ended up confused and my husband and I would look at each other afterward and silently agree that whatever that was, it did not feel like what the prophets meant. I have talked to enough other mothers to know that I am not alone in this.

The problem was that I was trying to replicate something I had never actually seen work. I had read about the ideal family council but I had never watched a real family actually do one. The real ones are messy and include interruptions and tangents and a child who suddenly needs to tell you about a bug they found in the yard. The real ones sometimes end with someone in tears and someone else laughing at something completely unrelated.

I had to stop comparing my living room to an article in the Ensign. The Lord knows what my living room actually looks like and he is not waiting for it to get cleaner or quieter before he shows up.

The Un-Perfect Family Council: Collaborative Discipleship at Home helped me see that the council is not about running a meeting. It is about learning to seek the Lord's will together in whatever form that takes.

Practical Ways to Lead Family Councils

The most practical thing I have done is to lower the stakes. I stopped trying to do one big council every week and started doing micro-councils throughout the day including a two-minute conversation about screen time limits or a quick check-in about Saturday chores or a five-second vote on pancakes versus eggs while I hold the toddler on my hip.

Changing my posture helped too. I used to stand at the front of the room like I was teaching a lesson but now I sit on the floor or lean against the counter and keep my voice low while letting the conversation go where it needs to go instead of forcing it through an agenda. The goal is not efficiency and it is not a polished meeting. The goal is connection.

Learning to listen more than I talk was the hardest shift. I heard someone describe it recently as moving from chairman to lead listener and that phrase captured exactly what I needed to hear. When I stop trying to run the meeting and start trying to hear what my children are actually saying, the council becomes a space where they feel seen.

Teaching Children to Resolve Conflict LDS Family

My second-grader and my middle-schooler had a fight last week about something that I cannot even remember now. Something about a book and whose turn it was and who had already had it for three days. I was tired and I wanted to just tell them the answer and move on. But I called a two-minute council right there in the hallway instead.

I sat down on the floor between their bedrooms and said "tell me what happened" and then I just listened instead of fixing it or assigning blame. I let them talk until they started listening to each other. And then the middle-schooler said "I guess I could let you borrow my other book instead" and the second-grader said "okay" and it was over. It took maybe four minutes and it was not perfect but they resolved it themselves and that is the whole point.

Children learn to resolve conflict by watching us handle it and by being trusted to handle it themselves. The family council is the place where that trust gets built.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the purpose of a family council in an LDS home?

A family council is a way for family members to seek the Lord's will together, share their feelings, and agree on a plan of action. It is designed to build unity and strengthen the bonds of love and faith within the home. It does not have to look a certain way to count.

How do I handle a family council when my children cannot sit still?

They can move and fidget and draw on the floor while you talk because the goal is communication and unity, not stillness. You can hold a council in the car or on a walk or while everyone is eating breakfast. The format matters far less than the intention.

What should we talk about in a family council?

Start with small things like what to eat for dinner on Friday or which movie to watch together or where to go on Saturday morning. Low-stakes decisions build the habit of being heard. When children learn that their opinion matters on the small things, they will trust you enough to share their feelings on the big things.

What if my spouse is not on board with family councils?

Start with whatever level of participation is available. Even a few minutes of checking in about the week ahead can build momentum. The goal is not a perfect council. The goal is a pattern of seeking unity together and that can start very small.

I still have days where the juice ring dries on the table and I never get around to calling a council at all. But I have stopped letting that silence the voice that says I should try again tomorrow. The family council is not a checkbox. It is a habit of the heart. It grows slowly, in four-minute increments, on sticky tables and kitchen floors, until one day you look around and realize that you have been counseling together all along.

with love, Melissa