A Birthday Invitation Came Home for Sunday and Was Due Friday

Lily pulled the invitation out of her backpack on Wednesday before she'd taken her shoes off. A purple card with a roller skate on it. She read the date out loud with her thumb under the words, Addie's party, Sunday at two, RSVP to her mom by Friday, and then she looked at me with no expression at all.

David and I settled the Sunday question years ago, so I knew my answer on Wednesday afternoon. What I didn't do was send it. I let the card sit on the fridge under the pizza-place magnet for two days, and now it's Friday and the RSVP is due today and I'm writing this before I write the text.

The deciding was never the hard part. The parts after it are what I keep putting off.

Settle the general question before a card shows up

If the first time you and your husband talk about Sundays and parties is the night an invitation comes home, you'll end up deciding about one particular party and one particular friend and one particular eight-year-old's face. Have the conversation on a quiet evening when nobody is waiting on an answer. If the two of you haven't landed in the same place yet, I wrote about what happens when Mom says no and Dad says yes, and the short version is that the child shouldn't be the one who finds out.

You don't need to settle as much as you'd think. Certainly not a list of approved and forbidden activities, since no list anticipates a roller rink. President Nelson gave a better question in his April 2015 conference talk on the Sabbath:

"I learned from the scriptures that my conduct and my attitude on the Sabbath constituted a sign between me and my Heavenly Father. With that understanding, I no longer needed lists of dos and don'ts. When I had to decide whether an activity was appropriate for the Sabbath, I simply asked myself, 'What sign do I want to give to God?'"

That question covers a birthday party and a pickup game and a neighbor's barbecue. Doctrine and Covenants 59:10 says the day is "appointed unto you to rest from your labors, and to pay thy devotions unto the Most High," and the families I know who take that seriously still end up in different places on what it looks like. A cousin's cookout after church is Sunday to some of them and a violation to others. You can't read that off the verse. You pray about it, and then the two of you decide.

What to say to your daughter

Say the disappointment out loud first, something like "I know that party sounds fun and I know you wanted to go." A child who feels heard takes a no better than one who got a speech.

Then give her one sentence she can carry, like "Sunday is the day our family goes to church and stays close." Eight-year-olds can hold that. What they can't hold, and will repeat on the playground in the worst possible words, is "we're not allowed" or "that's not what good families do." Either one gets back to the birthday girl by Monday recess.

She'll need a sentence for the other children too, since they'll ask. I'd give her "We do something else on Sundays" and leave it there. Third graders lose interest in a flat answer fast, and a clever one gets argued with at the drinking fountain.

Keep the parent-to-parent part with the parents.

What to say to the other mother

She's counting heads for pizza, so a fast reply helps her more than a thorough one. Mine will be short and not very polished:

"Thank you for including Lily. Sundays are our church day so we'll miss the party, but she'd love to send Addie a gift. Could the two of them do something one Saturday?"

I won't add a paragraph of explanation or an apology for our Sunday, and certainly not a little speech about what other families should do with theirs. If she wants to know more she'll ask, and then you can tell her in about two sentences. She has probably sent a dozen of these invitations and gotten a dozen kinds of answers.

I wouldn't skip the Saturday offer. A bare no leaves her wondering whether she did something wrong, and a no with another afternoon attached tells her the friendship is fine. I wrote before about how making a friend in a ward takes more than one invitation, and it's the same in a school hallway.

Frequently Asked Questions

What if my child says everyone else is going?

She might be right, so I wouldn't argue the count. "Probably a lot of them are, and that's hard" is enough, and then the answer stays put. She'll be sad for an evening.

Do I have to explain the reason to the other parent?

One clause is plenty, and I'd never go past two sentences. People are kinder about this than we expect, and the explaining mostly eases our own nerves. If you catch yourself explaining because you're afraid she'll judge you, send the shorter version.

Is it okay to say yes to some Sunday things?

That's between your family and the Lord, and I'm not going to hand you a line to draw. I'd ask what the afternoon would actually be, and whether you could still keep the day the way you meant to. Whatever you decide, don't use my answer as a yardstick for the family down the street.

What about a Sunday game or a team practice?

A game is heavier than a party, since your no lands on a whole team. Talk to the coach before the season starts instead of the week of the first game, and say it plainly. You'd rather be the family that told them in March than the one that vanished in September.

What happens next at our house

I'm sending the text to Addie's mom before dinner tonight, since it's pizza night and I won't want to think about it after. Then I'll ask Lily which Saturday she'd like to offer.

with love, Melissa